Reflections on Turning 35

Obsessed with producing and turntablism, I started YouTube back in 2014. Initially, I published music and videos created for it. Soon, my passion for bodybuilding took over. So, my first content was on training and nutrition.

While remaining my interests, these became a segue into personal development, which shifted my research. Later, around 2018, I became ‘deeply curious’ about alternate spirituality. Particularly, Western Esotericism:

Why

1. Because I was drawn to its marvelous symbolism.
2. Because I assumed it could provide answers other things couldn’t…and
3. Because I sought out means to help me overcome a long-lasting severe panic disorder, which it eventually did (without medications or doctors).

The excitement about my results shifted my research (again), making me obsessed with Western Esotericism and Qabalistic psychology. Mainly how they find utility in personal development.

The Second Channel

Eventually, I started a second channel. This one. Despite being small, it got monetized through YouTube and digital products, which my customers tend to enjoy. I appreciate all (always) striving to produce the assets I’d personally use.

More important, the channel developed me as a writer and creator like nothing else, marking a crucial stage in my life. Earlier in 2021, I (also) self-published my first book on natural bodybuilding, fasting, and holistic living, while in 2022, my second was on the intricacies of self-discipline.

Exploring abstractions and ageless wisdom didn’t diminish my passion for self-improvement, psychology, and modern research. It (actually) enhanced it. Being a polymath, I always wanted to incorporate more of those, expanding the channel. As IMHO, they all go hand-in-hand.

Self-improvement helps us to navigate through the physical, while Esotericism, philosophy, and psychology — through the depths of our souls. They are all personal development, and as we know from Peter J. Carol (paraphrasing): Self-improvers and lifestyle designers are the occultists of the contemporary technological age.

I also wanted to create more ‘personable content’ on productivity and creativity, and whatever art I make, showing more of myself through story-telling. I really did, yet likely, due to uncertainty and insecurities, I postponed that, waiting.

Postponing Myself

At some point, I started a third channel for product reviews, intending it as a platform for lifestyle and (such) ‘personable’ videos. While some of its content did well for its size, I remained deeply connected to this one, feeling it was the one letting me deliver maximum value.

From ideas and aphorisms to long-form content, the second channel always felt like the deeper aspects of me speak to the deeper aspects of others. Like when I make music or write books.

My Cat and My Growth

A few months into 2024, I noticed my cat wasn’t okay. So, I started taking her to the vet. Being present for my 17th birthday, I never viewed her as a pet. She was a satellite during what will likely remain the most pivotal period in my development.

By this, I don’t refer to building habits and systems and getting shredded in 6 months like today’s cool kids. Our journeys have different beginnings, and for me, such things came much later. What I mean is heavy lifting like:

• Quitting multiple dependencies.
• Learning to handle situations without substances. Other than coffee and later tea.
• Quitting being fat, porn, and junk food.
• Making the gym part of my identity.
• Gradually defying the influence of dark memories and programming.
• Rewiring my brain so English, the language of my soul, becomes my most natural expression in thinking, reading, and writing.
• Achieving small wins in turntablism, writing my books and my music, which, regardless of popularity, played a role in making me who I am.

All of them with the cat by my side, which was mainly in the other room.

Death

One morning, the doctor told me I had the rest of the day to take a farewell. Though she was pretty bad, I thought that was an overestimation, hoping she’d stick around a bit longer. She passed the same night.

Unaware of Qabalistic terms as a teenager, I felt the cat was connected to my mom’s soul intuition, Neshamah, as she gifted me her. When she passed, I felt part of my animal soul, including my inner child, died too.

Memento Mori

During my puberty, I lost relatives, among whom my beloved grandma (my mother’s mom). While I still miss her, I handled that quite okay. The cat’s death, on the other hand, crushed me. She came as a present and left as part of me.

My grief led me deeper into Stoic concepts like ‘Memento Mori.’ They helped me turn the sadness into a reminder: time is limited, and we must make the most of it, not wait.

The mourning surrendered to a sense of liberation to do the things I want (now). Inspired by the Stoics, Ryan Holiday, Tim Ferris putting it on his first book, and a gym body having it on his back, I wanted to do something similar to keep myself aligned with ‘Memento Mori.’

Turning 35

Recently, I turned 35, my first birthday without the cat. Reflecting on this, I decided to get myself a wristwatch to serve the mentioned purpose. Being my first, as I’ve never been a watch guy, I intentionally opted for a G-shock, though they don’t sponsor this piece. Associated with toughness and discipline, G-Shocks bear cross-cultural significance.

From hip-hop to navy seals, athletes, JDM aficionados, otaku, and (to me personally) the loaded with Qabalistic symbolism Neon Genesis Evangelion, which existential themes inspire us to take charge of our destiny and be who we really want to be. Even if that doesn’t necessarily match societal expectations.

Eventually, I took a leap of faith and began including more of the mentioned, as evident by my last uploads. Little that I know that re-ignited my passion for Western Esotericism and creating assets for my fellows on the path.

So what does this mean?

It means I am not changing but expanding the topics of the channel, with personal development as the focus. The mentioned ‘personable’ content will be as an addition. The main one will cover topics like: 

• philosophy.
• psychology
• holistic living.
• health and wellness.
• creativity and productivity.
• biohacking.
• Esotericism, particularly Western, which isn’t going anywhere but will always have a special place

Expansion

If you are a long-time follower, think of this as the Fortune card. Attributed to Jupiter, expansion, liberation, growth, and creativity, the card has the wheel, symbolizing perpetual change. Sometimes, the Hermanubis is on the top, other the sphinx, and in third, the ape of Thoth, representing life’s stages, and aspects of the human condition.

The topics will alternate somewhat similarly, as my experience taught me navigating through those requires a broad skillset and devices. Adopting such an approach as a creative will (also) let me deliver the most value as an individual and student of life, inspired by the stars in the ceiling shining under order.

Polymaths

Philosophers Robert Anton Wilson and Naval Ravikant would agree that:

“Specialization is for insects.”

According to the latter:

“If you go to a circus and see a bear, that’s kind of interesting. But not that much. If you see a unicycle, that’s interesting. But if you see a bear on a unicycle, that’s really interesting(…)”

“All humans are broad, but we get summarized in pithy ways in our lives. At some deep level, we know that’s not true. Every human is capable of experiencing every experience and every thought. Everyone should be able to do everything. You’ve got one life.”

— Naval

According to others:

“One should create content about the ideas they can’t stop thinking about and the books they want to mark all pages of.”

Now, I cannot promise to be as entertaining as a bear. Especially not one on a unicycle. What I can do is produce content with value, quality, structure, and aesthetics while continue improving as a thinker and creator.

As I like to say:

Our interests rarely stay static.

They evolve, opening our eyes to new possibilities.
— POTB

If you think about it, the same applies to the greatest occult philosophers. Some were artists and musicians, while others — also poets, yogis, mountaineers, and even prophets — all in one life, embodying the concept of the renaissance person.

Labels

Some people label themselves as ‘professional’ or ‘part-time esotericists.’ I cannot say that about me. I can only be me. The only labels I can (loosely) use are a polymath and, before all, a creative. To me, boosting creativity and problem-solving is the biggest mystery. Everything I practice and do is (mostly) to achieve that. It is my Great Work, while the former — my drug of choice.

Ikigai

About two decades ago, a local kid brought me to a PC app that was ‘supposed’ to tell me who I was in my previous life. It said someone who built bridges. One of the first things practitioners of Western Esotericism learn is to seek repeating life patterns and expressions defining who they are. Such information is crucial for finding one’s life purpose, or Pure Will, extending beyond career choices and incarnations.

Ever since I acquired enough skills, I’ve been naturally drawn to cross-referential and interdisciplinary works, taking the Vitruvian Man as an ideal. Whether the app was correct, this can be viewed as building bridges in and of itself.  

I’ve been doing it with producing and turntablism, my books, scripts, and aphorisms, and even my whole lifestyle and physique. Feeling that’s my Ikigai, I plan to see where its horizons lead, sharing the journey with you as a fellow.

Like Ryan Holiday reveals what he learns Stoicism to others while actually (maintaining) being one of them. So, if that sounds exciting, stick around. If it doesn’t, don’t. And if you like such story-telling content, let me know. Thank you for your time.