FROM ADDICTIONS TO LIFE PART 8 SPEED (3)

Quitting

I hope you don’t expect me to tell you that: I was abusing the s*it out of it, because “I really didn’t like it”.
The purpose of the essay is to tell you the things exactly as they were. Therefore I’ll keep it 100 with you.

No, I never stopped liking the high.  Actually it was my favorite one.

But the guilt, regret, remorse and the feel of betraying my mother, were chasing me days and nights after using.

Together they were forming cloud of enormous pain, I was no longer willing to deal with.

Quitting it felt like being out of terrible debt, I didn’t want to continue paying.

To stop risking and sacrificing for it was also a thing, I desperately wanted.

To live my life, free of paying that massive tax of terrifying negative emotions I described.

Regardless of how weak the high was getting, I was still admiring my “other version”. I simply no longer willing to stay inside me, when the side effects were kicking in.

Plus that my turntable and mixer were calling me every time I thought about them. Back then that started happening more and more often.

Saving some money, in order to finally buy me a 2nd turntable was another thing which I desired to do. Wasting money on speed was making that close to not possible.

Splitting my life path from the ones of my quote unquote crew and especially from the one of my dear friend the swedish kid, made things so much easier.

To be honest with you, I missed him and the others for quite a while. He was my closest/best friend during the whole period the essay covers.

Yet, I was completely aware that abstaining from Speed would much more difficult, if he was around me.

What Was Making It Different

When it comes to addictions and heavy abuse to things and substance, that was the most unique thing, I’ve ever dealt with (hands down).

While with the others, I was addicted to the actual substance, or to what I was doing with this one things were very different.

Yes, I craved weed, cigarettes. Yes, I was abusing the s*it out of alcohol, porn and junk food.

And Yes, I was trying to have sex with almost every single female, I was finding even a bit physically attractive.

Speed I adored like it was a real person, with whom I had such a unique relationship. The “baddest” and most exotic looking female, who was turning me into my “best version”.

“Annie”

You know most of the people call Marijuana – Marry Jane and The Pills – Molly.

Now, let me tell you an urban legend from the local area.

Most of the kids in the local area was calling The Speed – “Annie”.

Accordingly to the same urban legend, Annie was older than us kids (most likely a cougar or milf).

After while I started getting  butterflies  in my stomach every time when thinking or talking about “Annie”.

Yes, those were, the same exact butterflies, kids or teenagers experience when they have crush on someone in high school.

In fact most of the times the effect was even stronger (that feel on steroids).

That began happening right around the same time when I also started looking forward to shed some tears during the actual high.

The moment of the emotional orgasm/ejaculation.

Almost like I had a twisted perversion that “Annie” was making me ejaculating in that manner.

Quitting it wasn’t like quitting an addiction

I rather felt like signed a contract, in which I declared I was giving up all of my: dreams, confidence, inspiration, drive, big portion of my social skills and probably all of my game skills.

Ultimately I was giving up the ability to be the person on who back then I thought I always wanted to be.

And the one to feel comfortable and normal in my own skin.

It felt like I was breaking up with 2 real persons. Those were my other me and “Annie”.

During that time I kept repeating to myself that: It was a lot better to have my heart broken versus the ones of my Mom and The Cat.

Regardless how ridicules it sounds, I’d say, I was never addicted to the drug itself. But to the person I was becoming when I was on it.

Like I had massive (male) crush on him.

The smell and the taste I hated. I also never really cared about the goosebumps nor the shivers.

Yet, I started getting very excited about all of them, because they were predecessors of what was coming next.

That was Me becoming that other person who was fixing my whole life in few minutes.

What I Craved The Most

It wasn’t about the substance, but the ability to connect with people on a whole different level.

The feeling of being better in everything I was doing.

I was addicted to how my friends were looking at me, when I was scratching, putting tags on walls and when sharing the girls I was dating.

Or when I was simply telling them about the glorious future when I would be badass turntablist and so many other things.

Same glorious future which never came until years after I quit it.

Almost having sparkles in their eyes, their whole beings were screaming at me: “Fuck Yeah! You’re The Shit”.

Together We Were The S*it

Doing our secret ritual, we were buying ourselves s*it load of speed and we were going to my house where for entire nights I was scratching on my turntable, while some of the others were doing graffiti sketches on my old notebooks.

While staring at the stars on my balcony we were also enjoying some deep conversations about our dreams and aspirations.

Sometimes I even felt like they believed more in me, than I used to believe in myself.

Probably that was due to the fact that my self doubt was still there, regardless that the drug was convincing me else.

Finally The Cat

She never saw the substance nor what we were doing with it but she was always with us (like she was part of the crew).

My friends were asking about her and she was always eager to come inside the room in which we were staying most of the time.

We were doing what we were doing and then we were letting her stay with us for the rest of the night.

Lies, Truths & Tears

I figured out that Speed made me have the most beautiful dreams, but never really helped me getting a bit closer to turning even just one of them into reality.

I became way more sad, then before started taking it and suddenly I started noticing it very well.

Obviously that was due to the fact that Speed was f*cking up my body’s ability to produce dopamine naturally.

It made me feel like I was spectacular when I really wasn’t.

It took me time to understand the harsh truth that:

Being spectacular, has nothing to do with taking drugs, but with beating the crap out of your craft until you master it.

And then using your skills to eventually create something exotic, rare or even exceptional.

Long and difficult process which had to start somewhere.

Quitting Speed and developing just a bit more realistic outlook was a great starting point (mine).

For quite a while I felt guilt and remorse about everything and anything.

It didn’t make me building the life and things I truly wanted (back then they were only few).

Neither helped me get rid of the things I hated.  What it did was to make me tolerate them better.

It never made me start training in order to improve my physical appearance, so I could have more options with the females I was dating.

Only to feel like I was enjoying  the most mundane and boring conversations, just to have sex. Also to go against my nature because by talking about my goals with people with whom I shouldn’t.

Instead of doing some real fly stuff , I was mostly wasting my time on the streets, talking about it: Feeding my ego with the comments my “so called friends” .

Questions

Since I was that “mighty” and “powerful”, why I was living with the mentality that in order to make anything happen I had to take sh*t load of speed?

And even than I still needed some external help from someone or something.

Why when I was on it, all of my dreams and goals were so close to me, that I could almost touch, grab and maybe even hold them in my hand?

But when the afterward effects were kicking in I always felt they were practically unachievable for a piece of sh*t like me.

Yeah, that was exactly how I felt about myself back then…

Do you know why?

Because all of those things were nothing more than illusions induced by the drug itself.

After having those thoughts for weeks I felt so empty and miserable that I can’t even explain it.

Finally I admitted to myself that all of it was one big and dangerous waste of time, money and energy.

Quitting it did not cause me any real difficulties, besides the feel that I would never be the s*it again.

Actually that was the only challenging thing.

Probably It wouldn’t be that easy for me to quit it if I was smoking it or shooting it…

THANK GOD, I NEVER DID THAT TO MYSELF!!!

Not knowing what was coming next, I felt so secure, that this was the most difficult thing to quit.

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