A lot of people go through life with emotional scars. Rooted in past experiences, those may feel like protection. In reality, they block opportunities, relationships, and (even) a deeper connection with yourself. Said differently, they prevent you from living fully.
Luckily, in this one, we’ll explore the formation of such scars and a few tactics to overcome them. Also, a couple of mind shifts based on personal experience to hopefully add value. So stick around if that’s interesting.
Formation
When a person gets injured, their body forms a scar, toughening the flesh to protect it. When they’re emotionally hurt, they form emotional scars. This results in:
- Overprotection;
- Isolation from others…and;
- Withdrawal from life.
Unlike physical, emotional scars don’t (necessarily) heal over time. Hence, they can alter our interactions with the world and ourselves. They can (also) be tied to actual injuries. Though, this is not mandatory, and those having them may not have (any) physical concerns.
Such people have been wronged/offended by others. Their ’emotional scars’ work as a shell, protecting them from further damage and offense. They keep one ‘safe,’ or at least in one’s head.
Reacting
On the contrary, such an encapsulation doesn’t just filter out people with bad intentions. It keeps both comrades and enemies away.
Now… Unlike purposeful isolation for self-growth, like the principle of ‘isolated intelligence’, these emotional barriers are reactive. They are not deliberately chosen but [often] caused by random or chaotic events. More on that by the end.
Patterns
Examples may include:
- Facing too much rejection and criticism;
- Being the butt of jokes too often;
- Being humiliated;
- A damaged child’s ego.
Whatever the case, they cause counterproductive thoughts and behavior, leading to:
- Perpetual defensive state and;
- Hostility toward others;
Rather than taking control, the person becomes a victim, letting what has happened influence other aspects of their lives. This can cut them not just from society but from their most authentic self.
Disconnect
According to Maxwell Maltz, being out of touch with others leads to being out of touch with yourself. According to Adlerian psychology, a person can only be an individual in an appropriate community. And (perhaps) according to Thelemic philosophy, this deprives one of Nuit’s ecstasy, which is the totality of experiences. Let me know your thoughts.
Self-fulfillment
Emotional scars reduce your chances of becoming what Dr. Arthur Combs defines as a ‘self-fulfilled’ person, which is the goal all should aspire to. Such people have several traits:
- Perceive themselves as wanted, desired, and capable.
- Accept and tolerate others and themselves.
- Have a sense of oneness with the world.
- Remarkable skills and knowledge in a broad spectrum of fields. Perhaps think of polymaths and T-shaped people.
Emotionally scarred people may appear as independent and (somewhat) rebellious. In contrast, they’re (actually) dependent on others. The reason is a poor self-image and viewing themselves as disliked, incapable, and unwanted. They perceive the world as a hostile place, whereas others as enemies.
According to Adlerian psychology, this creates a poor life experience, as life experience depends on whether you see others as enemies or as comrades. Given all this, let’s proceed with some tactics to prevent emotional scars from determining your future.
Hypersensitivity
The first to identify is whether you are a highly-sensitive person (HSP). No, this is not some mental illness. It (actually) implies you’re highly responsive to any influence.
Often hereditary, high sensitivity correlates with factors like dopamine and central nervous system sensitivity. It can help you appreciate everything more, including:
- Joy;
- Art;
- Love;
- Nature, etc;
On the other hand, high sensitivity can get you offended, even without reason. Whatever people say or do, it may (actually) affect you.
Highly sensitive individuals can (also) get emotionally scarred by the very social comparison we live in. This makes them build shells similar to those we described. So whether that resonates, consider implementing the following:
- Learn to relax and create safe spaces;
- Practice mindfulness and thought control;
- Understand you are not defined by others’ opinions or perceptions.
The first begins with learning to stay still and relaxed and evoking that feeling whenever needed. Useful exercises include:
- Mindfulness meditation;
- Journaling;
- Rhythmic breathing;
- The Middle Pillar or the Three Pillars techniques;
It proceeds with avoiding situations that leave you unnecessarily overwhelmed and having communities you (actually) belong to. These can be:
- Workplace
- Culture
- Gym;
- Classes or;
- Based on other interests
Thought Control
Mindfulness fosters thought control, which comes to managing your response(s). You may not control situations, but you control your mind. According to Epictetus:
“Men are disturbed not by things, but by their opinions of things…”
also
“Who is the invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice.”
Commenting on the second, Ryan Holiday inspires us to consider how ‘seasoned pros handle the media.’ Rather than getting emotionally involved, they keep their calm. And In the words of Maxwell Maltz:
“You are alone responsible for your responses and reactions. You do not have to respond at all. You can remain relaxed and free from injury.”
— Maxwell Maltz. Psycho-Cybernetics p. 174
Self-Esteem
“Self-esteem is necessary to the Spirit as food is to the body.”
— Maxwell Maltz. Psycho-Cybernetics p. 168
Whether you are highlysensitive, the third, not caring about others’ opinions, could be challenging. The good news is that increasing your self-esteem makes it pretty doable.
People with low self-esteem get offended more easily. This exacerbates their self-doubt. And usually, they also have but a few emotional scars. Conversely, those with healthy self-esteem barely pay attention to the negativity. This is because self-esteem is a byproduct of self-trust and worth.
Now, I am sorry if I disappoint you, but you aren’t necessarily entitled to self-esteem. You have (actually) to build it, working yourself. And this comes to the following two:
- Setting and committing to meaningful goals;
- Achieving those goals with tangible results;
The more you do, the more you build actual proof. As you progress, your proof overpowers trash talk and negativity. So, you tend to ignore those. It protects you while actually attracting better opportunities.
Moreover, it raises you above your existing emotional scars so they eventually heal. You develop self-reliance and trust, becoming less dependent on others and improving your self-image. Whether it’s:
- Building a skill;
- Getting jacked;
- Starting a business;
- Creating things you’d like to see;
Personal Experience
Truth be told, I cannot explain the difference, just the first two made in my life. Without Turntablism and especially Bodybuilding, I’d never be able to even consider making content. Let alone be in front of a camera.
From socializing and dating to making any change, in my teenage years, anything requiring self-esteem meant abusing harsh stimulants. Thanks to Turntablism and Bodybuilding, I gave up those about two decades ago, entirely reshaping my self-image, which I kinda continue to do. Let me know if that resonates.
Forgiveness
Whatever your emotional scars, holding a grudge doesn’t help. It actually affirms those, sustaining a reason to suffer. One tactic might be to forgive. If you find it helps to let go, which is the final goal. If it doesn’t, don’t.
Used meticulously, forgiveness can be therapeutic, allowing you to move on — Not because of others but because of yourself. When there’s no longer anything to forgive, there’s (also) no longer a reason to suffer. The act of forgiveness can cancel the effects of your negative experience.
On the contrary, forgiving and keeping a person in your life are not the same. Many people never forgive yet keep their offenders in their lives. The key is to:
- Learn a lesson…and
- Act responsibly with your future in mind.
As I like to say:
“Forgiving those who have wronged you and choosing to keep them in your life are two different things.
Embrace peace within yourself, but also take ownership of your boundaries.”
— POTB
Also
“The people from the past belong to the past.”
— POTB
Based on observations, some find it easier to forgive the more they keep their offenders away. Let me know your thoughts.
Childhood
Okay, but what about wounds coming from your deep past, like childhood. What if you had been traumatized or humiliated when most vulnerable and believe this affected your life.
Now. While adopting it may be challenging without a solid relationship with yourself, I offer the following perspective. Ask yourself, did you get to pick:
- The authority figures in your life,
- Your country, city, household;
- Your first schools and kindergarten.
- Your (whole) situation
- Kids and others you interacted with.
If the answer are no, your negative experiences from that period were (mostly) byproducts of two things:
- Entropy and
- Randomness.
Meaning everything was arbitrary. And nothing depended on you. So don’t give it much credit, as you weren’t responsible.
The Universe
Look through a ‘Flow psychology lens.’ Bad things happen not because the Universe (or Nature) hates you. They did because it’s indifferent. So, rather than internalizing them and doing more damage, practice indifference toward such experience(s).
”It is not that the universe is random in abstract mathematical sense. The motions of the stars, and the transformations of energy that occur in it might be predicted and explained well enough. But natural processes do not take human desire into account.
They are deaf and blind to our needs, and thus they are random in contrast with the order we attempt to establish with our goals.
The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it friendly, in the words of J.H. Holmes. It is simply indifferent.” — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Flow. P. 9
The more I adopted such a perspective, the more my bad experiences became water under the bridge. Let me know about you.
Esoterically, the star goddess is all potential but also the cold space. Mother nature is both loving and cruel.
Meditate on this while:
- Extracting inspiration from later wins that depended on you.
- Cherish the times when you (actually) held ground, exercising accountability.
- Build on those by continuing to achieve meaningful goals
- Expand your self-image, overpowering whatever happened to you until it starts feeling like a joke and even questionable.
Maxwell Maltz says: develop nostalgia for the future, not for the past. I add: Be more specific, anticipating your journey’s next stage with excitement and child-like curiosity.
Based on observation, the more people credit their early stages of randomness, the less they invested in creating meaningful experiences to reshape their reality later when they (actually) could.
By doing the opposite, you build strong self-trust, reflecting how you deal with the world. You move from being reactive to proactive, shifting from victimhood to empowerment. But that’s just my opinion. If this resonates, consider subscribing, supporting my work, and exploring my products. Thank you for your time!
